


You are now my big fat crush

by AriaLink



Series: ACII fix-it [2]
Category: Assassin's Creed Brotherhood
Genre: Humor, M/M, Mutual Pining, Mutual dumbassery, No seriously everyone in this fic shares one (1) braincell and Petruccio has it, Ooc!like everybody, idiot plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 04:05:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20251873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AriaLink/pseuds/AriaLink
Summary: The recruits find out Leonardo is seriously pining. They resolve to fix it. The results are questionable.Title from twaimz's "The Crush Song"





	You are now my big fat crush

**Author's Note:**

> https://archiveofourown.org/works/19172236 for context

It all began with a dare from the Ricoveri twins, as most disasters were wont to begin. Luciana should have seen this coming, but unfortunately for her, she hadn't, and so now she was stuck in the closet of Maestro da Vinci, praying with all her heart that he would not find her. The Maestro was a very important ally to the Brotherhood after all, and the Mentore would have her head if she was the reason relations between them soured. _Then again,_ Luciana thought, _it seems it would be very difficult to turn the Maestro against the Brotherhood._

Luciana peeked out the doors to the closet. Yep, the Maestro was still gazing wistfully at his easel, a half-done portrait of one of the Auditore boys upon its canvas. She cracked open one of the doors to the closet, holding her breath when the wood let out a loud squeal. Maestro da Vinci didn't even notice, still absorbed in his painting. _He really is gone, huh._ Mentally composing a last testament that would leave all her (admittedly meager) belongings to Ulrico, Luciana slammed the doors open and confidently strode out of the closet. No response.

She walked up behind the Maestro to get a better look at the portrait. It was really quite nice, the scarred lips quirked up in a mysterious smile, the ponytail draped elegantly over one shoulder. The eyes were covered with a thin white bandage. Ah, the middle son then. What was his name again? Ernesto? Enrico? Something to be investigated at a later time, definitely, but for now, Luciana simply made her way to the door, inconspicuously sliding out into the hallway when nobody was passing by.

"Well?" a boyish voice called out.

"What did you find?" the other twin asked.

"A very important portrait," Luciana said with gravitas. "We have a new mission."

They walked into the dining hall, where Ulrico and Laura were gathered and eagerly awaiting the news.

Luciana cleared her throat. "Attention, fellow assassins," she said, pointedly ignoring Laura, who smugly pointed out that technically she was the only _assassino_ there, "I have made a grand discovery."

Ulrico already had that look on his face that meant his whole life was flashing before his eyes. "What now?"

"Our beloved Maestro da Vinci..."

Mino and Nino leaned in, eyes gleaming with intent.

"... is in love!" Luciana finished with a flourish.

The twins looked disappointed. "Is that all?" one of them asked.

"Yeah, I was expecting something bigger," the other said.

"Like a secret alliance with the Templars."

"Or a brand new _pistola_."

"Or-"

"Enough!" Luciana cut them off. "Can't you see how great this is? Can't you see the possibilities?"

"What possibilities?" One of the boys said. Even Laura looked disappointed, and Ulrico was breathing a sigh of relief. No, that wouldn't do. That wouldn't do at all.

"We can help him find love!" Luciana firmly nodded her head. "We just need to set up some dates, maybe make up some presents, write some letters..."

"What's the catch?" Ulrico said, crossing his arms.

"What catch?"

He gave Luciana a dead-eyed stare. "There's always a catch."

Luciana frowned, trying to think of something that Ulrico wouldn't approve of. Oh! That was it! "His secret crush is an Auditore, the second child, I think." She planted her hands on her hips, mouth stretching into a wide smile. Ulrico's eyes widened in despair. Yep, that was more like it.

"Ezio, huh," Laura mused, sitting up straighter. "Hmm, that is a nice possibility."

The twins looked at each other. "Going up against the Maestri Giovanni and Federico?" They grinned. "Now it's getting interesting!"

"No, no, no, not interesting! You can't just- just-" Ulrico said, wringing his hands.

Laura laughed. "Why not? It'll be fun! I know just who to ask for help, too."

Mino and Nino vigorously nodded their heads.

Luciana slammed her hands on the table. "It's decided then! Operation: get Maestro da Vinci a boyfriend is a-go!"

Ulrico whimpered, but everyone else ignored him. This, too, was how most disasters were wont to begin.

\---

Ser Petruccio looked absolutely unperturbed when Laura told him about the situation; which, fair, he did seem to be the most observant of the family (not that Luciana would be caught dead saying that out loud to Maestro Federico or Signorina Claudia- or rather, she would be caught dead if she did). He just gave a sardonic grin and closed the book he was writing in. Was it the bank's ledgers? Assassin records? A sordid account of a tryst between La Volpe and Madonna Paola? The world would never know.

"Ah, so you have seen it too?" He said.

Laura nodded vigorously, and Luciana gave her a disbelieving look. _She_ was the one who had brought it up, not Laura. What a traitor. She was going to go complain to Machiavelli- er, or not, since this was a top-secret-no-one-must-know-not-even-the-mentore kind of mission.

(Somewhere else on Tiber Island, Machiavelli felt himself mysteriously breathing easier, as if one of the million frivolous requests he received on a daily basis had stopped itself before it could reach him. He breathed a sigh of relief and resumed sending his tried-and-true glare at the poor soul who had the audacity to ask for new boots after stepping in a pile of dung with the old ones. Damn Giovanni for leaving the position to him, "better qualified" _his ass_.)

"We need a plan," Laura continued, ignoring the huff Luciana gave by her side, "And as Messer Petruccio is close to both parties involved, it occurred to me that you would likely have valuable information on the situation."

"Good thinking," Petruccio said, and she beamed. "Well, the current lack of relationship could be blamed on incompatibility, of course, but let's give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they just haven't had a chance to confess yet."

"So how do we do that?" Laura asked.

Luciana slammed her hands down on the desk. "I've got it! Ponte Sant'Angelo! It's romantic, isn't it?" The others gave her confused looks. "No, no, hear me out. I was on patrol there a few days ago, and I got this pendant from a peddler- hold on, let me get it-" She started fishing around in her blouse, to which Petruccio averted his eyes with a small cough and Laura sighed.

"Aha!" Triumphant, she held up the small white stone on the braided cord and held it out for all to see. "The peddler said he saw this leap out of the water and into the bosom of a fair lady one day, and he just knew that it would lead the bearer to her true love. Plus, it helps with- you know," Luciana made the (in)appropriate gestures accordingly.

Petruccio gave a despairing stare to the far wall while Laura just patted Luciana's shoulder, much more accustomed to these sorts of events. "You got scammed, my dear."

"In any case," Petruccio said once he'd collected himself again, "The Ponte Sant'Angelo would work just as fine as any other spot. Now then, you just need to get the message to both of them to meet up at the same time, and sit back and watch. Make sure neither knows who they're truly meeting, however. Leonardo especially; there's a reason he hasn't confronted my brother yet."

\---

The first attempt was only a minor disaster, Luciana was proud to say. Mino went to ask the Maestro to meet at Ponte Sant'Angelo at sunset on Thursday, while Nino went to ask Ezio. Or perhaps it was the other way around, but that wasn't particularly important. What _was_ important was that Laura had somehow acquisitioned a magnifying glass from the Maestro's room, and she, Luciana, and the twins were huddled around it, trying to use it to look across the street at where the _assassini_ were to meet.

Ulrico was pacing in frantic circles on the roof behind them, moaning about how they were all going to get killed by the infamous Eagle of Florence. "He has the Medici on his side! The Medici!"

"Shut up, Ulrico. You'll give us away," Laura muttered under her breath.

"Move over, Laura! I wanna see too!" One of the twins hissed at her.

"Hey! I'm the one that brought the glass, I deserve to use it!" She replied.

"We're the ones that set this up, so we get to use it too!" The other twin shot back.

"Shut up, all of you!" Luciana whisper-shouted. "Maestro da Vinci is here!"

They begrudgingly fell silent as the Maestro walked up to the bridge, freezing in place once he saw Ezio leaning against the railing. Luciana felt her breath catch in her throat, leaning forward to catch what was being said.

"Mino?" Ezio called out. Leonardo tried to quietly walk backward, but Ezio's head only swiveled to face him. Luciana shivered. That was kind of creepy. To be fair, it was probably because anything Ezio did was kind of creepy. Come to think of it, she really didn't know why the Maestro had a crush on him. "What did you want to tell me?"

Leonardo was stumbling over his feet now, and he seemed to have found his way over to a small tree, which he clung to. Luciana almost felt bad for him. Almost.

"Come on," Laura whispered. "Just talk to him!"

Mino and Nino were scowling at their efforts being wasted, and Luciana had to grab them by the collars to stop them from dropping down and physically dragging Maestro da Vinci over to Ezio. She felt her patience running short as well, and she worried they were going to do something drastic if he wasn't going to _do_ something soon. For someone who had studied the human body as much as he had, Maestro da Vinci was sure lacking in self-awareness.

Laura let out a disgusted groan, and Luciana looked back down to see the Maestro high-tailing it out of there, off in the opposite direction of Tiber Island. His arms were flailing around and he was tripping over his legs, but somehow he was able to escape Ezio, who had started to give chase. The Auditore looked kind of pissed off too, no doubt thinking that he just got pranked.

"Does he even know where he's going?" Ulrico asked, finally peeking over the roof himself.

Laura sighed. "I'll go make sure they get home safe."

"Plan A, failure," Luciana said, her mouth set in a grim line. "Time for the next one."

\---

In retrospect, she probably should have run Plan B through Laura and Ser Petruccio before implementing it.

"You sent a letter. To the Maestro. From Ezio," Laura said, eyes narrowed. Luciana nodded slowly, glancing over at the boys for a clue. They looked equally disappointed. "From _Ezio,_" Laura stressed again, and Luciana felt it click.

"Oh. Oh! Right, Ezio can't write letters, so he'd know it wasn't from him," Luciana said. Laura sighed and dropped her face into her hands. "I should have done it the other way around!" Laura reached out and smacked her upside the head.

"In any case," one of the twins said, "how hasn't Maestro da Vinci figured out something is up yet?"

"He probably has," Ulrico lamented. "He's just too nice to kill us over it. But the Auditore aren't that nice."

"No, he's just that kind of stupid," Laura said.

"Who's just that kind of stupid?"

"Ezi- Maestro da Vinci! How lovely of you to join us!" Laura said, her fingers twitching in that way that meant anyone who told the truth would be getting a knife in their sleep tonight. And not in a fun way. "What are you doing here? Is there something we can help you with?"

"Er, well," and now the Maestro was blushing, his freckles little sandy islands in a sea of blood. "I think someone is trying to set me up with Ez- Ser Ezio Auditore da Firenze."

"And that is a problem because...?" Mino asked. Laura shot daggers at him with her eyes. Luciana pitied Nino. He was about to become an only child for the first time in his life. She also made mental notes to write a congratulatory letter to Signora Ricoveri and one begging Laura to teach her that trick. Completing missions would be so much easier if she could stab people from a distance.

The Maestro gave Mino an appraising look. "It wasn't you, was it?"

"... Nooo...?" Jesus Christ, how did these two ever get away with anything.

Maestro da Vinci let out a small breath. "I appreciate the help, I really do, but Ezio's not... he's not interested." He looked like he was about to cry, and Luciana felt a fierce motherly urge spring up from inside her, like Athena coming into the world fully formed from Zeus's head. Looking around the room, it seemed everyone else felt it as well, but Ulrico was the one to ultimately give in and bring in the Maestro for a hug.

"Ah, _grazie_ Ser Ursini," Maestro da Vinci said, voice slightly muffled by Ulrico's robes. "But really, this is not necessary. I'm fully capable of moving on and-"

"But you don't have to!" Luciana couldn't hold herself back anymore. "Ezio's a fool to not see how amazing you are, and you two would be perfect together!"

Laura cut her off with a wave of her hand. "Maestro, how do you know that Ezio is not interested?"

"I confessed, but he did not say he loved me back."

Ulrico gasped, but Laura shushed him too. "What happened, exactly?"

"I was commissioned to paint the Auditore family- ah, this was back in Florence, before... everything that went down there, but I was unable to get to Ezio's portrait before he lost- well, you all know." He coughed awkwardly before continuing. "But he is no less beautiful, yes? And I wanted to make sure that he knew that when he was already so glum about not being able to walk or be an assassin anymore- ah, but he has managed both now, as brilliant as he is-"

"Less mooning and more explaining, Maestro."

"Of course, of course, so I was telling him all about how wonderful he was, and I could tell he was getting flustered, and it just seemed the right atmosphere for it, so I told him I loved him right then and there."

"And then? What did he say?"

"He thanked me and said I was too kind. Then I ran out the door."

"You what?!"

Maestro da Vinci was blushing even harder than before if that was possible, and Laura face-palmed. "You mean to say you did not hear his response?" The Maestro's silence was damning.

\---

Ser Petruccio once again was unperturbed by the news, only letting out a thoughtful noise and a "so _that's_ what happened."

"What do we do now, Ser Petruccio?" Luciana asked.

"We continue setting them up, of course," Petruccio said, already drafting plans for... something.

"But- Petruccio-" Maestro da Vinci started, but Petruccio cut him off.

"You did not hear Ezio's response, correct? But I did, albeit many days later from Claudia."

Maestro da Vinci looked stricken. "... And what did he say?" Luciana filled in for him when it was clear he was not capable of speaking at the moment.

"He is certainly open to a relationship. Whether he returns your feelings quite yet, I'm not sure."

"Oh. But you said- he is... open to...?"

Petruccio coughed, and Maestro da Vinci moved to go help him, but Petruccio waved him off. "Leonardo, think about it from Ezio's perspective for a minute. You are being painted, and the artist is admiring your appearance. Then he professes his love, but when you respond he runs away."

"... Oh. Oh, he doesn't realize I was serious," Maestro da Vinci said, deflating like one of his attempts at a hot air balloon. No, that wouldn't do at all.

"We'll just have to make him realize then," Luciana said, already going through her (admittedly small) catalog of romantic items. Food was always a good bet. "What does Ezio like to eat?"

"He kept bringing in birds for Annetta to cook," Petruccio mused, "although perhaps that was for a different reason, looking back on it..."

"Cappelletti alla cortigiana, then," Luciana said.

"Isn't that made with pork?"

"We can substitute the meat. Besides, it's pasta. Who doesn't like pasta?" It was definitely not because it was the only thing Luciana knew how to make, not at all. "Don't worry about a thing, Maestro da Vinci. I'll have some whipped up right away, and you'll be on your date with Ser Ezio in no time!"

And with that, she dashed out the door to the communal kitchen, only throwing a line over her shoulder about how the Maestro had better clean himself up for the evening. Luciana had always made fun of Ulrico for humming while he worked, but she found herself doing the same as she grabbed the ingredients from the shelves and started a fire to boil the water. There was a mad dash around the room to prepare everything in time, and the other assassins that had been preparing their own meals hastened to move out of the way, something they were all too used to when Luciana was involved.

After quite a bit of boiling and only a small amount of irresponsible knife waving (Luciana was particularly proud of that), the dish was done, and Luciana even cut little hearts out of cheese to put on the side. It had to be _perfetto_ after all, after the disastrous last attempt by the Maestro to confess his feelings. All that was left was to deliver it to his room, then to deliver Ser Ezio to his room, and leave them to it. She hoped the Maestro had had his bedsheets washed recently.

Before she could knock on the door, however, there was a blade at her throat, and Luciana fumbled with the plate to make sure it didn't fall. Despite her efforts, she heard a splash and felt something warm soaking into her boots. The blade was sharp, and though she couldn't see it, she didn't dare look down, feeling a drip on her neck from where it dug into her skin. Had someone infiltrated the hideout? How did nobody notice? Then again, she hadn't heard anyone walking up behind her either...

"Leonardo is a good man." Luciana let out a little gasp. It was Ser Ezio, and he'd just seen her with the food. _Cazzo,_ she had to find a way to make it seem like the Maestro's idea. "He's brave, and caring, and much too nice for his own good." He was complimenting the Maestro, that was a good sign, right? At least Leonardo hadn't totally ruined his chances.

"_Sì_, Ser Ezio. The Maestro is a lovely man," Luciana said. Hopefully, Ser Ezio would get the hint and see the possibilities already. "He's beautiful, and oh so strong too, have you seen-hrgk" she was cut off by the blade pressing harder into her neck (was that Ser Ezio's hidden blade?! She felt like she could cry, and not from the pain either. Ulrico would be so jealous, and she could finally have something over Laura)

"Much too lovely for you." Now Ser Ezio's voice was low and dangerous, and Luciana was suddenly reminded that this was the man who had killed two templars even before being inducted into the brotherhood, "Do not think me such a bad friend that I would allow some fool who wishes to abuse his favor get away with it." Wait, what? "And besides, his preferences lie not with women, so I would abandon this silly quest of yours while you still breathe to do so." Luciana's thoughts stalled, as she ran through those words again. Or perhaps it was the blood loss. Her front was feeling alarmingly wet, and it suddenly occurred to her that Ser Ezio was not exactly holding her neck to feel how deeply the blade was cutting.

"Ser Ezio," she said.

"Sì?"

"Are you... jealous?" She felt him startle behind her, and wow that hurt no wonder the Mentore was always going on about using only one blow to finish the kill.

"What I feel doesn't matter, what does-"

"Because I'm not interested- well, my preferences also- er, that is to say, I am not courting Maestro da Vinci."

There was a pause as Ser Ezio digested that information. Luciana felt vaguely impressed. Laura really wasn't kidding about how stupid these two were (not that Luciana was in any position to claim such a thing, but she didn't think about that). 

"Then the food?"

"Ah, this was intended for you, _messere_."

Another pause. "I'm flattered, _signoria_, but I must decline. My heart lies with another." No shit, that was why they were in this whole mess in the first place. "... And my room is on the other side of the island."

"Perhaps that should change, then," Luciana muttered under her breath.

"What?"

"Wait, why were you here then?" Even as skilled as he was, the wooden leg made a distinctive clack on the stone floors of the Assassin Hideout, and Ser Ezio didn't bother smothering it with cloth as when he did when he was on a mission outside. If he had walked up recently, Luciana would have heard. She gasped. "Ser Ezio! Have you been _stalking_ the Maestro?"

He made indignant sputtering noises, but the sounds were running away from her, and the Maestro's door was lying down to sleep. Luciana's last thought was of how it was such a waste Maestro da Vinci would never get to appreciate the artistry of her cheese hearts before the plate clattered to the ground and she followed, swallowed by the darkness.

\---

Choking a little in the bandage that wrapped around her neck, Luciana came to all at once. The room was still doing somersaults, and the air itself pressed firmly down on her body, but Luciana forced her eyes to open and her face to turn to the man sitting at the bedside. Ser Ezio was cleaning his blade, cloth running smoothly down the side in a practiced motion that Luciana suspected took many cuts to master.

"What happened?" She said, flinching when it agitated her wound, but that just made it worse.

"Don't talk, I cut you up pretty badly back there," he said, hunching down a little. Ashamed? Ser Ezio? The day was just getting weirder and weirder. "I'm sorry I didn't realize it was so bad. I'm not used to leaving my targets alive."

Luciana reached up to touch the bandage, a little tight but otherwise very well wrapped. She wondered how many times he'd been injured alone, as there was no way Maestro Federico would have allowed his brother to bandage himself in his care. Normally the assassins went to Maestro da Vinci to- ah, that was it.

"He loves you, you know."

"No, he doesn't," Ezio said bitterly. "And stop talking."

"Yes, he does."

"He literally walked out of the room when I told him I loved him, and even now he can't look me in the eyes."

"You don't have eyes."

If he did, Ezio would have been giving Luciana a disapproving look right then. "He's avoiding me."

Luciana felt like grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking some sense into him. Was that how Ulrico felt, all the time? "And he literally told me that he loved you."

"Clearly he was joking. You haven't seen how uncomfortable he was when I took it too seriously."

"Neither have you!" Luciana let out a loud groan, then instantly regretted it. Ezio just shook his head, not bothering to tell her off for it again. "Where are we?" She finally asked.

"My bedroom." Luciana let out another groan. "What now?"

"Do you have any idea what this looks like? Especially for you?"

"... Oh."

Luciana made a mental note to make something nice for Ulrico soon, he deserved it. "... It doesn't matter," she said, sighing. "Just... confess and get this over with, already. It was cute at first but now it's just sad. You two should be... I don't know, doing whatever it is couples do, by now."

Ezio didn't respond, just putting his blade away and slumping back in his chair. Luciana wondered if he'd somehow fallen asleep, before he finally spoke, quietly and deliberately. "And what if it doesn't work out like that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Leonardo has done so much for me. He made the weapons Claudia and I saved our family with. He gave me my leg back. He took care of me, all those times I'd rushed ahead and done something foolish. He's the only reason I'm an assassin today."

"But...?"

"But I haven't done anything for him! I just make him worry and take away his precious time. He has such a brilliant mind, the things he comes up with, God, I can't keep up," he said. Ezio had curled in on himself, hands trembling and voice thick. "Why me?" he whispered. "Any day now, he'll wake up and realize what a fool he's been, and he probably won't even be able to let me down like that, that's the kind of person he is. But even if he did love me... I don't want that kind of relationship. I don't want to spend the rest of my life dependent upon him. I want to give him things, to make him feel loved, to..." His voice tapered off, no doubt lost in his thoughts.

"Do that, then," Luciana said when it became clear he wasn't coming back on his own.

"What?"

"Give him things. Make him feel loved. Come on. He's already preparing for a date tonight."

"... What?"

Luciana sat up in the bed, slowing down when the lightheadedness returned with a vengeance and her body protested the lack of blood. "Pick me up. Take me to the kitchen." Ezio didn't move, his brows knitted in confusion. "I'll show you how to make cappelletti alla cortigiana. Take it to Maestro da Vinci and show him a good night." Still no movement. "Come on, or were all those exploits in your youth with the _belleze_ of Florence all made up?"

Ezio let out a snort, then finally stood up, lifting Luciana off the bed in a bridal carry. "That's more like it. Let's get you your man, Ser Ezio!"

\---

Luciana tightened her hold around Ulrico, the other novice's arms awkwardly coming around to pat her on the back.

"Luciana? Is something wrong?"

She hummed. "You know I appreciate you, right? I'm glad you're always there for me when I'm being a dumb dumb, Ulrico."

"... Right."

Ser Ezio and Maestro da Vinci would be fine. The last Luciana saw of them, they were huddled on the Maestro's bed, feeding each other tenderly. Laura had begrudgingly admitted that her plan worked, and Ser Petruccio was pleased his brother had finally made a move. The twins were disappointed, which, meaning that nothing had blown up, was probably for the best for everyone involved. The only thing she still had to deal with was...

"Ahem. Signoria Luciana Lanese, was it?"

Luciana felt her life flash before her eyes. She clutched even harder at Ulrico who let out a meep. It may have been due to getting crushed, but it could also have been because Maestro Federico and Signoria Claudia had just appeared behind them. There was no one in the Brotherhood that could stand up to those two when they teamed up, least of all two novices that had messed with their darling brother.

"What are we going to do?" Ulrico hissed in her ear. Ah, the moment was over.

"Run!" Luciana whispered, but even before the word finished leaving her lips they were knocked down by two very protective Auditore. "I'm still injured!" She yelped, desperately thinking of any excuse to keep her from having to scrub the whole Hideout down with a tiny rag. Ulrico shot her a betrayed look. She mouthed an apology to him.

"Oh?" Federico said. "Well, we wouldn't want to make that worse, no would we. No missions." Luciana breathed a sigh of relief. That wasn't so bad. "For 6 months."

"What? Maestrooooo," Luciana wailed. She was going to fall so far behind! Even the twins would become full-fledged assassins before her!

"Come now, we're only looking out for your health, Signoria Lanese. You really ought to be more careful," Claudia said.

Luciana groaned. How could she forget; the Auditore were evil, at least when it came to protecting their own. She felt bad for Maestro da Vinci, all of a sudden. He had a lot of live up to.

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive criticism welcome, especially since this was written over such a long time and I've already forgotten the beginning lol this is such self-indulgent trash


End file.
